If there was something I could do,to change all that.
Maybe,I would have done it.
Instead,I just lied.


Everything would have been different.
I could have said no and burned those clay figures I made.
I could have sulked,been arrogant and not look.
But yes,the colour of the hum and the serenity was beautiful.
I just got lured.
I got lured to the vast sea of chances,not knowing what lay beaneath.
Beneath there was dirt,grime and grunge.And some stains of daily filth.
I could not run,but I turned back to see,all whom I despise.
But then,all this pain is meant to wake me up.
Today its just a stone world.


Today's Track:Twisted Transistor by Korn

99 bottles of beer on the wall,99 bottles of beeeeer!
If one of those bottles ever happen to fall,
There'll be 98 bottles of beer on the wall...

98 bottles of beer on the wall,98 bottles of beeeeer!
If one of those bottles ever happen to fall,
There'll be 97 bottles of beer on the wall...

97 bottles of beer on the wall,97 bottles of beeeeer!
If one of those bottles ever happen to fall,
There'll be 96 bottles of beer on the wall...

96 bottles of beer on the wall,96 bottles of beeeeer!
If one of those bottles ever happen to fall,
There'll be 95 bottles of beer on the wall...

95 bottles of beer on the wall,95 bottles of beeeeer!
If one of those bottles ever happen to fall,
There'll be 94 bottles of beer on the wall...

.................................................................................
......................................................................................
...........................................................................................

I think ,I'm gonna die laughing!!!!!!

"..its not just a high.Its a psychedelia hitting the brain at every heartbeat...."

It aint really hard to survive among all this.
I meant among all the asshole tax,soaring real estate prices,lots of local fucks and bad roads,its still really possible to survive.
But then,I still got the weather and Toonz.

Its a long week.And an even longer day.
And I cannot seem to finish anything!!

Track today:Hard Sun-Eddie Vedder
.....and it still aint changing a thing!!!
I'm just sorry,I did not turn out what I was supposed to be.

Its been lazy for sometime now.
Where's the apartment?
Where's the car?
Where's the money?
Everytime and everywhere I look around,the walls seem to grow tighter.

This is February.
I mean its still fuckin' February.
I'm a million times pissed.
I'm broke and this month is taking forever to end.
Really young people are getting married to really young people like tigerwasps in love.
I called up someone on someone's advice and I've been thinking about it since.
The fan in my room has conked off just when mosquitoes are rediscovering their love for blood during summers.
I'm reaching an end point.I just wanna leave.I need happy days.
God,someone,anyone.When will February end??????????

Ok,Chumma is out.Officially thrown out by the society people and the watchman,who scoffed at our car.The bitch had it calling for,....went on a rampage with the garbage bins.I liked it though.Especially when our 'pet pup' turned hostile and havoc'ed with the old man's house.After all the milk and the beer it drank,I suddenly miss Chumma .

Everything's been so usual.So normal enough,to freak me out. Sometimes accolades and praise is fun and famous.But then it sorta gets on the nerves.I'm tired of seeing the dumb faces of my office colleagues everyday.I'm tired,done and out.I think of one word nowadays.Escape.To a different city,place or planet maybe.Trip.To somewhere out of reach.Meet.Some people and stories of the world.I wonder if all this depression,failure,pain is bought.But so is the funk we are living under.
We all have dreams.At least,speaking for myself.Then we have inspirational stories,we have those special people,apprehensive-ness,of course.But all that separates is just putting the foot beyond the line of decision and risk.Drive,is what I call it.Dreams,Ive had enough.I just lack the fuckin drive.

So some of these days have been good.As in proper windy winter days.Like waking up early,eating breakfast,watching TV, fucken office,drinking coffee,warm snuggly bed,drinking beer.Im just glad its still pretty chilly cold here in Pune. Maybe,I'm also glad cuz Burger King is so better than MacDonalds.Its wishful thinking to be happy,but what the heck......And mistakes,I'm happy about them,but the blues still exist.
Sometimes I just wish I could just lie on the lawn all day long and think about nothing.
But there is too much going on.

and I need more crayons to just colour it all up..........
I need some booze.I need to turn into a song or a sketch.I need to turn into some random vegetable and be sold off.
I suddenly miss Calcutta and the smell of Park Street and JU.I miss Chumma,as well!!


PS: I am the only Debanuj in Facebook( yaaaay!!)
And there are 25 other Debanuj's in orkut,who either look gay or with display pictures of Shah Rukh Khan.Its a sad fuckin world!

Its nothing.Nothing,really.
Man,things have been a bore and boring.Its not even one of those phases in life where you realize you need to DO something,stand UP for something,believe IN something......
No,it aint all that.This part,as I call it,is the "looking blankly ahead"............
You know eyes wide open,cold breeze in the hair,voices going in and out and you still look into that something-forever with that same half-perfect expectations.
That same fuckin feeling.
When you know,things have changed,but you refuse to move on.Ground yourself to that point of time,where you actually felt you existed.But its all so different now.Everything somehow just about passes by.
Maybe,if the one on the right was on the left and the one on the left was on the middle..........

So I saw this dream......
Two persons who called themselves the God and the Devil,were talking.I was the third person.
God:I made the universe,the earth,the stars,moon,sun,people,animals,gave life and have created something beautiful..........
Devil:I get tattoo'ed on humans more than you........haha!!
God:Fuck you,infidel!!!!
Both start laughing loudly,and suddenly change into Al Pacino and Robert Di Niro,look at me and start shooting me.
I forget all that happens after that 'cuz Im dead.....duhhhhhh!!
I should stop watching too many gangster movies!!

Even Chumma,our pet pup,ran away to some Tamilian household!!!!

Its not a really-bad feeling to be hated.

All this....
'Cause Im groovy..
And Im happy....
So Fuck you!
Dont bother me,or call me and dont call me sugar.

Snazzy clothes and flashy lights aint really everything.There is much shit around all these to actually give a shit to ...ummm....all these.
So,I'm an eat-shit entertainer.Not the Van Wilder type.But I'm an entertainer.Maybe,when drunk also.I tend to act like a kid and also like a clown.I talk stupid.I talk nonsense.Many of course mistake that for foolishness or dumb insulting caricature-ing.And then there are terms like immaturity and being jejune or whatever.Well,agreed.
Then there are those who wanna take advantage of the nice person,that I am.Well,fuck them.
And so,snazzy clothes and flashy lights aint everything.
I meet these certain people everyday,who I believe are disillusioned by the fact that the world revolves around them,their clothes and their lights.They also believe that giving some shit aint the same thing as giving some shit.
And I love their astonished-look faces every time I tell them I'm a brahmin.Their cringed faces when I tell them that I eat beef,drink,curse every-random-thing,sport a goatie (*hahaha*) ...blah blah.And of course,their disgusted faces,when I show them how lovely my middle finger is.
These people are either born ignorant or ignorant.

I kinda have reached a really confusing part of my life.
I'm having bad dreams and beautiful nightmares.I like and I dont like.I do this and fuck up that.
Something is wrong.Or someone.

In Goa.
I spent my New Year moment pissing away all the booze in some makeshift toilet in an awesome shack party.
This comes a bit late,but Happy New Year,folks.
Cheers!

Its not really a bad hair day.Its close to one though.
Its not even trying to learn rocket science.

So,I just about screwed-up my career.
And some plans aint working out.
And a long awaited trip suddenly becomes jinxed.Politicans,maybe??!
I'm suddenly all thoughtful.With 'the thinking-man' pose.Or maybe thats to let others know that I'm thinking and leave me alone.
Things which were funny a couple of years back are not so amusing anymore.
People around me have a wrong ... very wrong impression about me.And about themselves,as well.
I feel tired,lethargic and boring.TwentyFourSeven.
I saw something that resembled something else some many years back.Sometimes a sudden truth can be so startling it can shake and crush all your good memories.Praises and insults are just a part of it.Part of the self-loathing and the entire dark portion of that little-life-phase which you have always tried to ignore and forget.You feel deja-vu'ish,then the dreams come back.All this just blocks out that ray of limelight under which you have been standing,smiling.The stage becomes just dark and silent.Even the violin stops playing.

At the end of the day,I look at my hair which more or less resembles a nest of starving malnutritioned snakes and I say..."Fock Fock Fock,now what the fuck is wrong with this?"
Maybe,yes,I am having a bad hair day.

No,the light never gave me away.Nor,did the camera.
The camera was way too focussed on the light.
It was the cards.I had just passed 'em along,you know.
The Ace of hearts.The two of diamonds.The five of clubs.All of 'em.
The bet was the entire game,I guess.Or vice versa.I can't really remember.
As the cigarette ash dropped on the wooden floor and the round of drinks repeated,the bet just got higher.
They said a 3-2-Ace flush can win everything.
All I had left was a half torn card of a King of clubs ,a brand new Queen of Spades and a ten of diamonds.
But outside,its winter already.


Maybe when life aint going the way its supposed to be, stuff like this make us feel better.

why are thoughts so random???!!

Ok,this is back. the random thoughts.

I got the SNAP exam tomorrow.and I aint freaked out about it.like Ms S,or Mr M.so here's a wishful thinking.I wish I get a bit worked up for exams.it helps.
I got tickets to Goa for the New Year.I am not very sure of my company.I have not decided on where I'll crash.I have very minimal bank balance.but I have decided on how I will spend that odd 10-lonely-hours.body massage,beer,musicals and maybe another tattoo.anyone who wants to join,can just drop in.
I want to make it a habit to wear watches and stop using my cell phone to look at time.so,I needed a watch.for myself,not to wear it a couple of times and gift it to my cosmopoliton brother.maybe,for eternity.I also needed a new MP3 player.I checked a couple of stores but nothing beats an Ipod.so I degraded myself and checked out ebay. all I found were fake chinese MP3 players and watches.these Chinese traders are shit good.
I wanna quit IT.
I wanna quit job.
I wanna quit my fake "I'm studying for MBA" thought.
I wanna quit the dirty old stamina stick habit.
sadly,I have officially quit writing after the 20 odd-pages of my book.I killed John.I always thought he would live.but I've killed him.Boppi had a bag of pot and a loaded gun.John just had to choose.he chose the marijuana.and Boppi shot him.Boppi loved the drug.but the book just cant continue anymore.
I love my laptop.I often hug it while sleeping.I also want to own a scooty.Men like bikes.Ladies drive the scooty.Ladies with the scooty love men who ride bikes. Men who drive a scooty are chased by dogs.
I finally have a choice.Film Studies or being thrown out of home.life could'nt be better.I finally have a fuckin' choice.
I also love Pune.the weather and the chicks mainly.unfortunately,this city has no place for people who try to juggle between being cool and being old.like me,of course.and I still like the city.

I wish I could get a bit more angry.This is the saturation period.Where time goes still and everything becomes stagnant.

"Blow, blow, thou winter wind,
Thou art not so unkind
As man's ingratitude;"

Nightfall will be coming soon and its winter.
If you think that people are loving you,it probably means that they are bearing up with your nonsense.Of course,this does not apply to long term friendships which normally defines the art of bullshitting.But,not many like bullshitting nowadays,it seems.So,you see the fault lies with the people and their judgment.Funny men comes in two categories,he's either a joker or a fucker.Im not sure whether I fall in any,or whether I aint funny and Im still one of those.It aint really strange how one line of late-night drunken merriness can ruin an otherwise happy evening.Neither it is strange to find people-you've-been-joking-with turn their backs and leave.Psychologists call that post pessimistic depression.Post,what post??!!..Pessimism,ok,whatever??!..Depression,me???!!...
Long words,big talk.I guess.
Imagine a thousand eyes glaring down at you.You are in that same chair.In that same dark room.
All this just makes it difficult to gulp.
And question the very existence you've been living for.


And I thank Rishi for introducing me to Cash music.His radio shows have become quite addictive.But I do walk the line too.

Tag!!

Haha!!...I'm not really in the mood to blog and talk to people.But I got Tagged by YH.And it might just get my mind off from all thats happening.Anywayy,so I say the rules again.

Rules:
1. Put your MP3 player/Media player on shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write the name of the song no matter what.

IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY?” YOU SAY?
Soldier of Fortune (Deep Purple)-
*Yes, wait wait,no maybe not.*

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
This is the New Shit (Marilyn Manson)
* OM-effffffing-G!!!!!Shit hahaha!!!*

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Shake a Tail Feather ( Blues Brothers feat. Ray Charles)
*Shaaaaaazeeeam!!!!!!*

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Comfortably Numb (Pink Floyd)
*Actually,yes*

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
The Unforgiven (Metallica)
*Yeeee,Dont mess wid me!!!! :-P *

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Back in the USSR ( The Beatles)
*Huh???!!!*

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Rockstar (Nickleback)
* Hi-Wooo-hooo-five*

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Pump it (BEP)
*Hump it ,rather...hahahahaha!!!*

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Desolation Row (Bob Dylan)
*Somehow this has no connection*

WHAT IS 2+2?
Braided Hair(One Giant Leap)
*Now,now I fuckin' didnt know that!!!!!*

DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
The Devil's Right Hand( Johnny Cash)
*Damn,he so is!!!*

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
While my guitar gently weeps (George Harrison Feat. Eric Clapton)
*Naaaaah,that aint really true*

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Rape Me ( Nirvana)
*Haha,thats true!!!*

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Big Yellow Taxi ( The Counting Crows)
*Head tilted to the left and thinking,"that aint too bad...."..*

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Pretty Vegas (INXS)
*I STILL have this song in my playlist?????!!!!!*

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
LA Woman (The Doors)
*"They think Im a girl",head tilted again and smiling*

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Unwell ( Matchbox Twenty)
*Whatevaaaa*

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Mary Jane's Last dance ( Tom Petty)
*ohhh,so thats how I'm gonna die!!!*

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Bang Bang (Nancy Sinatra)
*What??!!!,This tag is toooo much of an effort!!*

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
The End ( The Doors)
*uffff,ki bhul bhal gaan aashche!!!!*

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Dirty World (The Travelling Wilburys)
*huh,now do I,do I???? *

WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
Jailhouse Rock (Elvis)
*sala,mamdobaaji naki!!!*


Phew!!!Too much song shuffling and too much of laptop light!!!!And also this tag has ruined my plan of watchin' "Capote".Anyway,this entire thing is not really easy to do especially for old men like me......so I tag the oldies.....Roy,Poojo,Gini,Adrita,Ritu and Ad libber!!!.....

So,it gets a bit boring up here.Yes,in spite of watching endless back to back episodes of Scrubs and The Simpsons.So I tune in to news channels.Sometimes,of course.
Its surprising how we never make it to the news channels.I am talking about this piece of news I actually saw on some news channels about how some snake actually ate up a parrot.Ok,parrots can sing.But you know whats news,a snake not only bites or hisses,it also eats.News was just news a decade ago,now its as entertaining as sitcoms.Everything's about entertainment.The same clip of Taslima walking out of some building while Calcutta's supposedly burning.Or how the Big B waved at the camera during his son's wedding.
So,how come we never make it to the news channels.My friend just got out of his deathbed 'cuz of some weird stomach disease and no doc had any clue of it.How come he never makes it to the news....how come that person on the street never makes it to the news....how come the cabbie who drives a raped girl back home never makes it to the news.Anyway,its pointless,to even crib about it.I think I really want to,maybe,forget the news channels like the Saw and the Matrix sequels.And why,god why,there are so many South Indian channels on my Tv.Fuckin' boob tube!
So there we were,wheels rolling on.Almost four days.Sometimes getting drunk.Sometimes sipping on tea on the chilly highway.Music played.The echoing of the waves on the virgin shores.The sound of the blue sea in the shells.An old deserted fort and some dead starfishes.The forest was lively but the strawberry farm burned.
Maybe lost in the romance or maybe in the tranquility of it.We never waited for the summer rain.We just rolled on.The music kept playing.Looking at the horizon,it seemed all clear in the head.All the memories...months,years back.It was all a youthful serenetic hysteria. I know,I should have apologised...you know,should've said "I'm sorry for all this".....and I should have moved on.But the feeling of the wet sand between the toes is far too gripping.

After all I saw today,I come to this conclusion.
In today's world,anyone who gives the CAT exam,has a gal and proclaims he does pot, is cool.
Haha!I think Im somewhere in between laughing and puking!!!!

Ohh!!And Homer Simpson's my new found God!!!

"Broken hearts I can forgive,....Broken dreams,Never"------Hugh Mcleod (in one of his posts)

Eh eh eh!!..
This comes after a certain reconciliation with someone after I was bitched all-around-about by her.almost two fuckin years back.No,not love,in case ur getting a wrong picture.Heh!I mean friend-friend types.Well,did it feel good?She felt good for sure..'cuz she told me so.She even asked me if I hated her...maybe if I hated her,I wouldnt fuckin' talk to her.So why fuckin' bother.Maybe my mojo's working,especially after ignoring a certain large number of people this time in Calcutta.Maybe,some of them are really sorry.Maybe,most of them are shit.Personally I prefer the third option.Anwayy,I was unelatedly diplomatic unlike the reconciled person.
So,it aint really the blues anymore.I'm happy quite a bit.Life aint a bitch really,its a drag.A long cigarette drag,coughlingly soothing.So.It all feels wierd a bit when you travel down that nostalgia lane and realize things you've experienced and missed out.Missed out,eh-eh,huh,my fingers were never enough to count 'em.I still look back on the days and I see.....Some of us,sitting on a rooftop drinking and doing the pot.Another 3 years back,I remember a close friend calling up my schoolboy-crush at midnight and people discussing career options.Rewind a bit more,I see school,I see frolicked immaturity,I see sweaty post-football games,I see the gawking at the uniformed schoolgirls,I see a friendshipped-gang that exists no more.Look back a couple of more years,there were middle aged teachers who were suddenly really hot,there were exams and punishments,birthday parties and colourful streamers,notebooks with blue lines and pencils,maybe crayons too,the family gatherings and ooooh! the fun-animals and the circus shows.Stroll along more,I find the little water bottles and plastic tiffin boxes,my first day at school and I cried,my over-used books,children races and sports,montessori,the children who were taught not to swear.Most learnt it,some didnt,one definitely didnt.
I see my family..the old uncosmopolitan joint family.And suddenly,nothing's there anymore.
And then,I see her.No,no...u're surely mistaken,her,I meant.The crush on her was real.That narrow lane filled with dry leaves,beside the dirty pond changed my life some many years back.
If you were me,you would know what I'm talking about.But you aint me.
Its been years since then.But at 23,we've moved on.
I wonder if it was all worth growing up.Ha!Maybe,never never Neverland.
But at 23,everything's a fuckin' shit aint it..?? Eh eh eh??!!

Mr. Brown: Let me tell you what 'Like a Virgin' is about. It's all about a girl who digs a guy with a big dick. The entire song. It's a metaphor for big dicks.
Mr. Blonde: No, no. It's about a girl who is very vulnerable. She's been fucked over a few times. Then she meets some guy who's really sensitive...
Mr. Brown: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Time out Greenbay. Tell that fucking bullshit to the tourists.
Joe: Toby... Who the fuck is Toby? Toby...
Mr. Brown: 'Like a Virgin' is not about this nice girl who meets a nice fella. That's what "True Blue" is about, now, granted, no argument about that.
Mr. Orange: Which one is 'True Blue'?
Nice Guy Eddie: 'True Blue' was a big ass hit for Madonna. I don't even follow this Tops In Pops shit, and I've at least heard of "True Blue".
Mr. Orange: Look, asshole, I didn't say I ain't heard of it. All I asked was how does it go? Excuse me for not being the world's biggest Madonna fan.
Personally, I can do without her.
Mr. Blue: I like her early stuff. You know, 'Lucky Star', 'Borderline' - but once she got into her 'Papa Don't Preach' phase, I don't know, I tuned out.
Mr. Brown: Hey, you guys are making me lose my... train of thought here. I was saying something, what was it?
Joe: Oh, Toby was this Chinese girl, what was her last name?
Mr. White: What's that?
Joe: I found this old address book in a jacket I ain't worn in a coon's age. What was that name?
Mr. Brown: What the fuck was I talking about?
Mr. Pink: You said 'True Blue' was about a nice girl, a sensitive girl who meets a nice guy, and that 'Like a Virgin' was a metaphor for big dicks.
Mr. Brown: Lemme tell you what 'Like a Virgin' is about. It's all about this cooze who's a regular fuck machine, I'm talking morning, day, night, afternoon, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.
Mr. Blue: How many dicks is that?
Mr. White: A lot.
Mr. Brown: Then one day she meets this John Holmes motherfucker and it's like, whoa baby, I mean this cat is like Charles Bronson in the 'Great Escape', he's digging tunnels. Now, she's gettin' the serious dick action and she's feeling something she ain't felt since forever. Pain. Pain.
Joe: Chew? Toby Chew?
Mr. Brown: It hurts her. It shouldn't hurt her, you know, her pussy should be Bubble Yum by now, but when this cat fucks her it hurts. It hurts just like it did the first time. You see the pain is reminding a fuck machine what it once was like to be a virgin. Hence, 'Like a Virgin'.


Anyone who says Tarantino's Filmaking is nothing but masturbation,can go and fuck a dog.

Well,it went something like this......

A wild psychedelic trip on music....
Fat dense swirls of the Holy smoke.....
Clunkering of 16 beer bottles.......
A crazy....no,mad car-death ride at 3 am.Yes,with 4 other stoned guys.
A bottle of Vodka......
Colours and sounds.........
Some guys meeting up.Adda.Chicken. yes,pizzas.
Innumerable punch-drinks of kicking Capirinha.....
A garbage lag.....as always.
Three pairs of wobbly legs playing football in the morning.
More music.high.drunk.blues.zapped and zoomed.rock.an acoustic guitar.
Hahaha!...Its all really cool.

Party has a new definition.Its called Trance.