Its dark.Its cloudy.Gloomy.Its a weather I probably like.
Lots of things needed to be sorted out.When you feel like a peanut,ready to be gobbled up by this magnanimous world we live in.you are probably making a mistake somewhere.A few days back,I took a long walk in the rain.it felt good,not the 'being cleaned of sins' good bullshit.But good in generally. Somewhere the selfish existence felt trivial enough.
Somewhere down the line,I'll remember all of this.
Last day,the evil egg wanted to kill himself with a shotgun,instead he shot the ol' granma' across the street.Then he slept for 10 hours.

Freaky

There was this little girl,on the road,doing freaky tricks. It was amazing.Well,for five bucks.....boy,what a performer!!
Apart from the ear twitching and the knee bending,I cannot do anything as freaky.
Ive always wanted to be a part of a random circus,which moves in between towns in those small little cars,with all the other freaky circus people......

Turn on the lights.Draw aside the curtains.Hard footsteps on the wooden plank.
You set the stage on fire,they say.Ha,what do they know,anyway.
This night belongs to you, me and the hundreds present here. The mask acts well.The performance even more.Thats why you pay me,dont you.My printed face on the advertising posters in bus stops.Thats what you come to see.
Electrifying.Electrifying moment,aye,that is.
Ever been in front of an estatic crowd,cheering to every caricature of mine.Applauding it.
Laugh,when I laugh.Laugh,when I cry.Laugh,when Im dance.Laugh,while I feel dead inside.
Because beyond laughter,lies nothing.Nothing which your significant lives and mine,insignificant can comprehend.It is your mirth that helps you to delay the miseries of your life and my performance that delays mine.
Thrilling it is.In front of those lights and the jazz playing in the background,on the stage and with you on your seats,with all the goosebumps and the spine shivering moments.Its crazy,but only to me,you see.Maybe not to you,so much.
As the confetti settles down admist the streaks of coloured light,the clapping increases,this evening,Im the entertainment.
Im the showstopper.Im the amusement.Im your rejected lives and your grief.
Cheer cheer,with your expensive clothes and your drinks.Tonight,Im the magic man.

Some song played on the laptop.The wind flutters the curtain but yet,there's a strong sweaty smell in the air.
He sat down,with his back resting against the wall.Closely following every swirl of the cigarette smoke.
She was lying on the bed.Her hair open and in her grey tee and looking at him with fixed kajal laced eyes,smiling sexily.
He rested his face on the edge of the bed and started stroking her hair.
She continued looking at him with her fixed eyes.The song played.
"......and it takes me right back......"
Breaking the silence,she asked " So what takes you right back?"
He looked up,looked somewhere and said," Maybe you....."
She gave a long blink,smiled and blew a kiss.
"....maybe nothing."
He continued staring at the glistening steel of the knife on the table.

Exams are on.Finally.About time rather.
This is serious.Not funny,though it might just seem.
Blogger will be more frequently updated.

Most of it was fabricated.Like crying over the shoulder just to show everyone that I cared.Like talking about sunny days when you actually like the nights.
I need to get a grip.Man,I mean I really need to.Yesterday was a one of those realization days.You fight with your ego and you crave to move on,but then its the voice at the back of me head.A disoriented feeling of being left out,secluded,ever had that? Contorted sympathies roll out and they laugh at the back of me back.The spine had ears and eyes and they listened and saw everything,preferred to keep quiet though.Its cold,like steel,feels cold on th temples.But then,I chuckle to me-self and say "Its summer baby,put on your shades and shield your eyes from the dark warm breeze....".Insecurity,ha!!Kill me,shoot me and I'd rather die without that.
Like turkeys on warm Christmas corn.

As the gloom of the winter sets in and the chilly wind blows goosebumps on you,it brings back memories of a time long lost by technology,hairstyles,adolescence and the entire late 90's thing.

Ektu exhausted laage aajkaal,buro'o hoyechi onek.....thats why old memories be flooding me mind.

Tora calcutta trip'er aar random chobi dekh.Ill try and get a pirated file of Karzzzzzzzz.Tan-tan-tan-tandoori nights...tandoori nights!!!!

Sometimes,the dreams ,I get ,are so horrifyingly real that they question my very existence.
So,yes.I have not been sleeping well lately. I suddenly wake up with a jolt,wipe of the sweat,drink water and try to get back to sleep,unquenched.
Over almost a month,Ive dreamt not just about human shaped monsters,killer families,betrayals,deja vu, psycho-laughters..............................................
Yet,there is no depression.No stress.
Its like entering into an entirely different realm when I close my eyes.
When I wake up,the sun just seems too bright.
Its like the madman in the local to whom no one would give directions.
Or the beggar who spends his day's earnings to gift his daughter a toffee,no one would sell.
Or the mother,who sits on the footpath,silently shouting for alms,so as to feed her dying son.
Maybe,its the way of balancing out.Give lots to some,and none to many.The scales dont shift.Its a perfect balance.
And yes,everyone still smiles at you while you drift past the withering flowers.
I am not a prophet,but its just not a just world.

Dope Times

Now,what? You are saying it aint right,huh?
Yeh,of course,it aint friggin' right.I know,it aint love.
Well,I dunno if it is....maybe,you know.
Ha,if I dont know who will,eh...and I know it aint.
But I think its her,I really do.
But tell me something,of all people....her??
Well,she's cute,she gives me sweet fat pinches and she smells nice..
You're crazy,why not the other woman?
The first one?
Yeah.I remember her.
Im thinking career interests.Not mine,of course,duhhh!
What?
Ya,she has plans,big plansI hear.I mean,money,being rich,,you know,I think.
Ya?? And what about "The plans"??
Just dont bother,I dont think I know.
Create a cult? Change the world?
I like that.
You know you are never gonna do that.
Ha!you are just being fuckin prejudiced.
No,I just know you are never gonna do that.
How do you know,what I can do.
Now now,remember,'John','Jack' and the wrong son who got killed?
What has that go to do with this?
Well,maybe you aint the wrong son.
Maybe you are way too fucked up.
So you are trying to get back.
No way.
Ha,I see anger.Revenge,I presume then.Revenge,best served cold,eh??
Fuck you,I think I need a cold shower.

I like it when its quiet around here.
No big shit hullabloo.Or talks about big things happening.
It does not really feel all that bad to take things a bit slow on the fast lane.Become a bit mentally lost,doing things all on your own without technology, and rediscovering the love for things long forgotten and wondering where exactly I went wrong.And why?
I have bought an old mud bike for 3 grands,which Im particularly proud of.I'm also drawing and doodling a lot nowadays,just for the heck of it or maybe for jee-jee. And I have finally begun to think politically and dressing up my teenage years.
All this does not really sound either happy or sad.But it just feels the laid-back slow.

If there was something I could do,to change all that.
Maybe,I would have done it.
Instead,I just lied.


Everything would have been different.
I could have said no and burned those clay figures I made.
I could have sulked,been arrogant and not look.
But yes,the colour of the hum and the serenity was beautiful.
I just got lured.
I got lured to the vast sea of chances,not knowing what lay beaneath.
Beneath there was dirt,grime and grunge.And some stains of daily filth.
I could not run,but I turned back to see,all whom I despise.
But then,all this pain is meant to wake me up.
Today its just a stone world.


Today's Track:Twisted Transistor by Korn

"..its not just a high.Its a psychedelia hitting the brain at every heartbeat...."

It aint really hard to survive among all this.
I meant among all the asshole tax,soaring real estate prices,lots of local fucks and bad roads,its still really possible to survive.
But then,I still got the weather and Toonz.

Its a long week.And an even longer day.
And I cannot seem to finish anything!!

Track today:Hard Sun-Eddie Vedder
.....and it still aint changing a thing!!!
I'm just sorry,I did not turn out what I was supposed to be.

Well,it went something like this......

A wild psychedelic trip on music....
Fat dense swirls of the Holy smoke.....
Clunkering of 16 beer bottles.......
A crazy....no,mad car-death ride at 3 am.Yes,with 4 other stoned guys.
A bottle of Vodka......
Colours and sounds.........
Some guys meeting up.Adda.Chicken. yes,pizzas.
Innumerable punch-drinks of kicking Capirinha.....
A garbage lag.....as always.
Three pairs of wobbly legs playing football in the morning.
More music.high.drunk.blues.zapped and zoomed.rock.an acoustic guitar.
Hahaha!...Its all really cool.

Party has a new definition.Its called Trance.

Dope-times again!!!

This will be more of a personal admittance post than those usual cribbing ones.

Ok,life actually doesnt suck,I make it suck.I am 2-fuckin-3,but it feels like 40.I've been feeling this terribly old for the past few weeks.The way I live my life,no more partying,just reading newspapers in the morning,going to office,read some books about the world,plan travel trips,drinking beer with friends and chatting about good ol' times,no more getting drunk,no more doing those fuck-up nonsense stuff.I might look 19-20 or less as some people say.Mentally Ive become old.But I'm glad it didnt really take much time to realize that.For most oldies,its still abhi-bhi-mein-jawaan-hoon at 50.They party,try to go to discs,clubs,put muscles on and watch cool hindi flicks.I've visited virtually all pubs and clubs in this city and I liked it in the beginning.The dancing,the little highs and then the madly-shots and the dancing and lights again.Now it aint cool anymore.Adda, and not just in bengali, is any day way more fun. Heehee.See I am just old.Just fucking old.Youth goes,huh.Hehe!

And lets get back to farewells again.September aint going good.Maybe its wake me up when September ends,but thats not the frikkin case.Three are leaving.Three of those I really do consider friends,as in the proper close ones.It'll be a bit depressing without them.
Tinky's moving to Delhi to pursue her exciting rich- journo career,probably will miss her the most,especially after all the nonsense we've done over the years and years and years.
But heh-heh!!
Mad Kuni's going to Dubai for doing something,which I dont really know.Maybe,she will try to get richer.And then accompany me to Vegas and open up a casino.
And then Shibu's pushing off to London to hump Brit and Scottish babes.Ok,for higher studies along with his babe,Taps.But my nigga brother has been a fucked up asshole to me.And a really great guy.
And of course,I will be road-tripping off to Mangalore today with Rahul.The trip's supposed to be fun,but I'm sure it'll be hell-tiring before I even reach there.I always prefer planes. :-P

Maybe,I need a girlfriend.I'm tired of being single and trying to flirt around with girls.Maybe,I need to settle down and meet someone beautiful and get serious in my love-life.Maybe,Rishi was right.Also about the getting-out-of-bed part.So,mossad,wink-wink,CIA's getting back!!!
And someday,I will get a flame-hot girlfriend and show-off to everyone like some of the people I know. I will also turn into a proper snobby superbitch then.Thats what most people do after they fall in love with someone hot.
Haha!
I'm laughing 'cuz no matter what I say,I always end up cribbin'..haha!!